Thank you to those who will never know i’m Thankful

Thank you to the cute boy named Gordon _____[I don’t remember your last name] from my gifted english class: You let me take your place as a safety officer one afternoon when you had to go to the dentist. My skinny, nerdy nine year old self was fully empowered by the obviousness that you liked me back, even though I was taller than you! I decided I was going to sit next to you for the rest of the year and admire your golden blond bowl haircut. But then you abruptly told me that you wanted to sit next to Nadia Gomez because she had boobs. Thank you for not letting me crush on you for the rest of the year, and thus making it so I had to sit next to Anthony — who I would have never gotten to know as well as I did if I was across the room, drooling over you all day. Because of your shallowness I met one of my good friends who is still in my life to this day!

Thank you to my freshman year bus driver: I was the first stop of the morning and you would come so early on the first few days of school that I would  have to bike my ass all the way to school and back. The one day I did get up early enough to catch the bus, it smelled like moth balls and cinnamon. I felt nauseous the whole ride. I made the choice to bike from that point on, and I realized how much I loved being on a bike. If it wasn’t for you, I might not have ever discovered my favorite form of exercising or lost the extra weight I put on that past summer.

Thank you Michael Dryer: It was eleventh grade and the boyfriend and I were at the school dance, he decided to get into a fight with another guy and got kicked out. He assumed I would leave with him but I had just worked my ass off to pay for the tickets and my dress. You persuaded me not to leave and said you would be my fake date for the rest of the evening. You  were the reason I broke up with him that night and thus ultimately making the choice easier for me to go to Florida that summer. We got back together, but if it wasn’t for you I would have never gone to see my grandfather before he passed away later that year. I haven’t talked to you since graduating high school but you have no idea what you did for me.

Thank you to that guy I made out with at a frat party: I don’t even remember your name, but you taught me that kissing with tongue really isn’t something I should take for granted. I had only kissed two guys up until that point and I wasn’t aware of just how bad french kissing could get. It was wet, weird, and uncomfortable. I wouldn’t want to be the person to have to teach someone like you how to properly kiss a woman. Gag. I now have an amazing appreciation for good kissers/make-out partners.

Thank you to Dr. Antebi: I was having a miserable few months after my car accident and you fixed me. You gave me back my life. Sure, the needle you gave me to numb the pain was swell and all, but you truly heard me when no one else in my life knew what I was talking about or going through. You let me cry and never made me feel bad about it and then you told me you would do whatever you had to in order to get me back to my old self. Thank you for helping me more than any psychologist ever could.

Thank you random Shoprite lady: When I went to college I decided I was going to do it myself. I wasn’t going have mommy help me with money, I wasn’t going let my boyfriend take care of me. Senior year was the hardest of all years, I had to take cuts in my work hours because I had class, school work, clubs, and an internship. I had never felt so broke! I went to the grocery store one day and didn’t have enough to cover my little basket of food. I was modified and HUNGRY. The lady behind me told me she would pay for the rest of it, of course me being the stubborn mule I am, I told her no way! But she put the money down and wouldn’t let me take no for an answer. I told her I was going to pay her back, she said not to worry about it and that she had been a college student at one time too. But I fought for her to give me her number so I could call her when I had the money. A week later when I did have it, I called the number only for find out she gave me the wrong number. It was only 15 bucks but I really wanted to give it back. I have no idea who she was, but she helped me eat that week and there isn’t much more you can ask for from a total stranger.

Thank you to Mr. Neverwas : I had feelings for you at an awkward time in my life, but in a way we were going through very similar things. No one knew you like I did, they all decided you were one way and could be nothing else. But I knew who you were when it was you and me. But even in all this, it just wasn’t what I thought it should be. You helped me realize that I need to trust my gut. You were perfectly respectful, attractive, and charming but it just never felt 100%. We got so close, I talked to you every single night and you knew things even my family didn’t know. I hate that you had to be the person that helped me realize what I needed in my life — and it wasn’t you. We were never officially a couple, but you did help me figure out what I should have been looking for and the feeling I should be having when I know that it’s right. I wonder about how you are doing all the time, but I know that us as just friends would never work out. I pray you have a found a woman that deserves you and won’t just use you for what they can get.

99 problems but…

I have always felt like an outsider. A lot of people will scoff and tell me i’m exaggerating and that because I had friends that I obviously wasn’t an outsider. I had girl friends, sure. But I hated most of them. I despised hanging out with females when I was younger! I was the girl who felt more comfortable with guys and I took a lot of shit for it. I was called all sorts of names by the other girls; I guess when you’re the only girl in a group of five guys it was safe to assume she was a whore and messing around with all of them. Honestly, guys were just easier to talk to and they didn’t judge you on what you were wearing or how your hair looked.

I’m older now and guess what? I still hate being friends with most females. You would think that it would get easier and that as people got older they would grow out of being cliquey and stop gossiping, but no. It doesn’t seem to change. Instead of them talking about who you’re friends with and who you’re kissing, they’re talking about where you live, how much money you make, and why you’re still not married. It’s an endless life of judgment by your peers. I never really cared what people thought about me, I let it go and I just did what I wanted. But it’s funny how no matter what it is, whenever I have a problem with a friend — IT’S A FEMALE FRIEND. Someone that I trusted enough to let get to know me and then they go and fuck it up by talking about me to someone else.

So when people ask me why I hate females, THAT’S WHY. They never change. They never grow up. The few REAL girl friends I have are the best in the world and  I love them. I’m so grateful for the ones that stick by me and although I have lost a lot of friends in the past year, I realize it’s probably for the best.

And perhaps this is where I am deemed a hypocrite? My feminist education and strong women’s lib stance could be viewed as misguided, seeing as how I don’t like women all that much. Haha. But because I don’t care for some of them, doesn’t mean I believe they are any lesser of a human or should be stuck in a man made box called the kitchen. Because in all this, men are not perfect either — they just make better friends. =)