Must haves.

Kas and I were discussing qualities of a good guys and here are a few we agreed on.

Not jealous: This is a huge one for me. I have guy friends. A few in which I’m very close with.  A good guy won’t require his girl to check in with him about everything she does and with whom. You are not her father, being with her does not mean she has to ask you if she is allowed out or with whom she can/cannot converse with.

Good relationship with mom: Unless a guy has a sensible reason to not be close to his mom (aka abuse, neglect, rude behavior on her behalf, etc.) then having a bond with his momma is a major factor I look for in a male. I find that guys who are close to their mothers are more sensitive to a woman’s needs, better communicators, and understands us ladies more so than their male counterparts.

Sense of humor: I’m not saying he has to be Robin Williams, but a guy who can make a girl laugh is definitely a winner. Taking life too seriously gets you nothing but high blood pressure, grey hair, and a wife with a stick up her butt. And nobody wants that stuff.

Motivation: I’d like to think I work hard and I think guys who do are much more attractive. And by this, I don’t mean a motivation to make lots of money. I have had guys with large bank accounts approach me and want to date me, but that honestly has never been a factor to me. I can make my own money. I would faster take (as my proven history has shown) a bike mechanic who works hard and enjoys his work [even if it doesn’t pay amazingly well] over a wealthy guppy who sits at a desk all day and only worries about the size of his paycheck. Those guys are usually cocky and self-centered. Giving your time and dedication to something you really care about, and having things to show for it is what I’m looking for in a guy.

Can handle a strong woman:  Anyone that knows me knows I won’t back down for anyone. A good guy is not threatened by a strong woman who speaks her mind, earns more money, or has goals and goes for them. A good woman should never be afraid of over shadowing her boyfriend’s/husband’s achievements, they should rather reach for those successes, and if a guy is confident in himself then he will do nothing but cheer her on! Guys need to keep their ego in check and encourage their lady to work toward her own individual growth.


Racy or Beautiful?


This is Thylane Lena-Rose Blondeau, a 10 year old fashion model. A super model at just 10 years old, that’s quite the accomplishment. She was recently featured in French Vogue dressed and posed in only a way an adult female should be. This caused a huge backlash from disgruntled adults and “professionals” stating that the photos were over-sexualized and were exploiting the little girl.

She’s absolutely beautiful and the camera clearly loves her. But she is a girl. I think we can all agree that kids grow up way too fast now days and they desire to do things that they should never want to at their age. When I was ten, all I cared about was hanging out with my friends, listening to boy bands, and riding my bike. Girls look at these magazines and see a false portrayal of someone their age (or younger then themselves) and they create unhealthy ideals in pre-teen and teenage girls. In order for a these kids to develop at an appropriate rate they need to go through different stages in their life, whether it be emotionally, physically, or socially. But instead, they are skipping precious years of development and reaching for unhealthy qualities of sexuality and physical perfectionism. This is how disorders are developed. But, I think we all know how images have swayed people and what they do for decades now. I think portraying a girl like this for the sake of photography and art is disgusting. I understand wanting to make a dramatic statement, but if you’re trying to sell the clothes/jewelry (and if they are a genuinely good product) then putting them on an older female should make the same impact.

Thylane and her mother might think she has quite the life right now, making millions and gracing the covers of magazines, but I feel bad for that little girl. She has been in that ugly industry that promotes nothing but unrealistic physical perfection for most of her life. Odds are she will have an eating disorder or be sexually promiscuous as a young age. And those are just some of the more obvious consequences of leading a glamours model life at ten. There will be drugs, alcohol, parties, and creepy old men who call themselves photographers. I guess child pornography can pass as long as it’s under the title of art and you claim artistic license.


1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? When I am tell them how I feel. Something I do very rarely.
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?  I think everyone knows that it’s about Walt and Mel. And yes, i’m still pissed.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? Damn. Probably Kas, and she would know what to do. Heh.
4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? I only tell those closest to me and I live the rest of that month spending every single cent I can get my hands on traveling with my best friends and family. I would be afraid, but I would know that at least I didn’t go out crying in a corner.
5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust. Trust. You can’t really love someone you don’t trust.
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? Hell yes, I do it. An animals life is just as important as a persons in my eyes. I could never just walk on by. If I got fired then atleast I know it was for a good reason.
7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? Well, why choose? Haha. Probably love, because i’m use to it.
8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?  Kas, we spend enough time together that we might as WELL be married.
9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? For my mother I would do anything. I would give up the rest of my life to spend an hour more with her. BECAUSE I miss her more than anything.
10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?  I’m pretty awesome, why not?
11. Does love = sex? Sex certainly doesn’t equal love. But when you’re in love, yes, you have sex.
12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? No, i’m sorry but times are hard and if I put in my time then I think I should stay.
13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? Walt, told him that I still loved him despite all the shit he put me through and that I hated him for it. That being friends wouldn’t work this time and that I think he wasted my time by choosing to argue with me then just tell me what he was doing/how he felt.
14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? Previous answer, that I loved them.
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? Probably my freedom. I am not living under someone ELSES roof and I can do as I want, when I want. WITH WHO I WANT. I love being able to do what I want.

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? My nephew. I love that boy so much.
17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? In the last month? I would have went to South Street with the crew because it seems like they had too much fun without me!
18.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? Joshy. He’s crazy and he will take care of business.
19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? Yes. I would.

21.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?  It would be hard, but I would save MY grandmother. I understand that serious choice here. But, selfishly I would save my grandmother because I love her and know her.
22. Are you old fashioned? I don’t think so.
23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?  Helped a lady in a wheel chair at the store get items from a shelf that she could not reach.
24.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? Never love at all. It’s better than all the pain.
25.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? I would spend the rest of my life doing as I want, money or time being of no issue for me and my loves.

Ducks in a row..

Life has handed me limes, lemons, and grapefruits these last few months. I’m trying desperately to try and get into a place I feel comfortable. Solid ground where i’m not stressing continually. It’s a long road, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am finally getting a roommate. The gorgeous, cursing pirate Elisa. =) I feel comfortable around her and she’s not temperamental or so crazy spontaneous where she will decide to move to Cali one day and be gone the next. The little bit of financial relief I will get from this should really give me the break I need.

My car is on road to recovery as I write this. And hopefully will have life soon! I need it to, because I have realized just how much I need transportation. I live too far out in the sticks to bike it everywhere I need to go!

My friends are absolutely amazing though, I have no idea what I would do without them by my side. They have kept me sane. I love each and every one of them so much.

I like someone. He’s nice. He’s sweet. He’s unbelievably good looking. Even in all this I just don’t have that drive to dive back into something with someone. With anyone. I wish I did, because I feel like i’m going to squander away an opportunity with a good guy. A genuinely good guy. My heart just doesn’t beat like it use to it when I think about dating and getting to know someone. It recoils in absolute disdain. It hurts too much right now to let someone in and risk everything once again. It’s too soon. Unlike other people, I can’t bounce from person to person like it’s a game. And I don’t want to mess something potentially good up by still being in a bad state of mind about my ex. I just feel like i’d ruin something with a guy who deserves so much better than a damaged woman.

Wake me up when September ends!

I am anxiously awaiting the arrival off autumn and all things good that come with the month of October. Who doesn’t love October? I’m pretty sure that it is my favorite month of the year, trumping every other one and the holidays/events that those months hold.

Top Ten Reasons I Love October (as if I needed another list!):

1. The weather. It’s perfect. Not too cold and not too hott.

2. Hoodies. A direct reflection of number one, October is prime hoodie wearing month. And I love it.

3. Halloween attractions. Who doesn’t love a good scare? An awesome haunted house sets the mood for a perfect October night.

4. The trees. I love when the leaves turn colors, and anyone who misses out on this lives in a sucky place. Mother Nature gives a delightful show.

5. Fooooootball. I don’t think that needs an explanation!

6. Bonfires and warm apple cider. A tradition we have had at the barn every year since high school. I adore it.

7. It is National Sarcastic Awareness Month. An art form in itself.

8.  Costume parties. I’m not the biggest fan of themed events, but I love a good costume party.

9. Candy. Candy apples. Chocolate. Gummies. Lollipops. Candy.

10.  Homecoming. We wait all year round for the Vineland/Millville football rivalry. Win or lose, it’s always a fun day.

I like it here now.

I’m so happy to be getting out and into the swing of things, meeting new people and making new friends. I’ll be the first to admit that I spent way too much time with Walter and doing what HE wanted to do, where HE wanted to do it. I was never the type of girlfriend who wanted to be with my guy all the time, but his group of friends seemed cool and I got along well with them  — so I didn’t mind it. But, now that i’ve realized they were strictly his friends, and I was just the girlfriend, I am out making new and better friends. I probably have to most thank Matty and Little Elisa for that. They have introduced me to a bunch of people I would have never known if I was still stuck in a very one sided relationship. They keep me from wallowing in self-pity and thinking too much about things I can’t change.  We have a pretty awesome crew, they are great people and pretty good looking too. 😉

Small tid bits.

Just some random things i’ve been thinking about lately that I feel don’t warrant a FULL on blog:

  • I was watching True Blood the other night, one of my moms favorite shows, and I suddenly felt a pang of sadness. But it wasn’t the sadness that struck me as odd, as most things that remind me of my mom tend to make me miss her. It was a weird feelings of (almost) guilt that got me. I felt bad because I was getting to sit and watch, while she will never get the chance to watch it again. I don’t know if these feelings are normal. I don’t really talk about my feeling or what I think about with many people. I know plenty of people who have lost parents or close family members, but I feel like that is just an extremely depressing conversation to have with someone, especially with someone who lost their loved one a while ago. I don’t want to be THAT person that drags up old heartache.
  • I’m so tired of people judging me for having close male friends. They automatically assume that i’m messing around with them or that their must be feelings. I like hanging out with guys, they keep it real. It’s not a fake show. And if they catch feelings and get hurt because you don’t feel the same way? You deal with it or you get a different friend. While Walter was busily examining my friendship [my very public friendship] in which there was nothing going on, I should have been the one checking more closely into his. I have guy friends, it’s going to happen. But, never have I casually hooked up with any of my guy friends. If we develop feelings for each other and it turns into more, I don’t see a problem with that if i’m single? But, the fact is, I do what I want. And if you don’t like it, don’t be my friend or be around me. It’s that simple. I’m tired of the snide remarks and shit talking behind my back, I can’t help it if you’re guy wants to spend more time with me. Stop being so worried about yourself.
  • The M word. Self-pleasure is nothing to be ashamed of. I DO IT OFTEN WHEN I’M SINGLE. I’m so tired of people acting like masturbation is an unspoken evil. We’ve all done it, don’t fucking fool yourself into thinking people actually BELIEVE that you’ve never touched yourself alone in your room. I don’t put all my business out on the table usually but it’s a fact of life. Maybe if more people practiced it there would be less teenagers having babies. No one ever got an STD from masturbating. People at my job act like discussing this sort of thing with teenagers will enhance their want for unprotected sex, but they are already DOING THAT. So, I truly don’t see the point in avoiding it, because kids are going to have sex anyway. Might as well discuss an alternative.

The aftermath of a breakup.

There’s nothing like dealing with what happens after you breakup with someone you were so close with for so long. You sit and think about all the things that could have happened differently, what you could have said or not said that would have changed the outcome, and pointing blame. But, I think you come to deal with those things, and even expect them [if you’ve gone through it before].

For me, the really hard part is the loss of friends who I thought would still be there for me.  You understand going into these things that you are going to make friends with your significant others friends, but I guess you don’t think about what happens after a crappy breakup. And I have had to realize very quickly that most people don’t want to deal with choosing between who to be friends with, they don’t even want to consider the idea of trying to maintain a friendship with both. I wish I had known that so many of HIS friends, who I had grown to  like so much, would slowly stop talking to me and even deleting me off facebook.

It’s a slap in the face, honestly. Especially from people who I had been there for, through really hard times in their lives. And in an instant, they are too scared to talk to me? I don’t expect for us all to hang out together, but I did think we would still be able to converse like adults. I would never judge any of my friends who maintain a friendship with him, and some of them do.

I expect too much from grown people. I really should reevaluate that.

Maintaining this journey.

The hurt of losing someone like your mother is so immeasurable. There is no quantifying. No comparison in the world.

I cry every morning. Get my shower and put on my adult face. Because, the world is all about moving forward. There is no place or time to sit and grieve. Everyone expects that a few days off to deal with funeral arrangements is enough time. But, who decides when it’s time? Because I know that it hasn’t gotten any easier to deal with the reality of the situation. That my mother, who acted as both parents for me, will never be there to talk to me again. She will never see me get married, have children, or be there for another holiday/birthday. It’s not easy to grasp, but it’s real. So real.

Need it.






Make or become different: “a proposal to change the law”; “beginning to change from green to gold”.
The act or instance of making or becoming different.
verb.  alter – exchange – vary – shift – convert – transform
noun.  alteration – shift – variation – exchange – mutation

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